.y4 



A 




a> AAAA aaaa aa a/ aa aa AA AAAA AA *> ■* • - 4 



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ED 



AMES' SERIES OF 

STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 

NO. 116 




PS b3$* 



E3I. 



WITH CAST OP CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS 
OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COS- 
TUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, 
AS PERFORMED AT THE PRINCIPAL 
AMERICAN AND ENGLISH 
THEATRES. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 
A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 








AMES' SERIES OF ACTIKG- PLAYS. 

PRICE FIFTEEN CENTS EACH. — CATALOGUES FREE. 

C^S5 S£-^> % 

NO. M. F. 

1 2 A Capital Match, fai-ce, 1 act, by J. M. Morton 3 2 

30 A Day Well Spent, farce, 1 act, by John Oxenford 7 5 

2 A Desperate Game , comic drama, 1 act, by Morton 3 2 

75 Adrift, temp drama, 3 acts, by C. W. Babeock, M. D 6 4 

SO Alarmingly Suspicious, comedietta, 1 act, J. P. Simpson...4 3 

39 A Life's Revenge, drama, 3 acts, by W. E. Suter 7 5 

An Awful Criminal, farce, 1 act, by J. Palgiave Simpson...3 3 

15 An Unhappy Pair, ethiop'n farce, 1 act, by G. W. II. Griffin ..I 1 

05 An Unwelcome Return, com' intl'd, 1 act, by Geo. A. Munson 3 1 

31 A Pet of the Public, farce, 1 act, by Edward Sterling 4 2 

21 A Romantic Attachment, eomed'tta, 1 act, by Arthur Wood...3 3 
43 Arrah DeBaugh, drama, 5 acts, by.F. C. Kinnaman 7 5 

73 At Last, temperance drama, 3 acts, by G. C. Vautrot 7 1 

L'H A Ticket of Leave, farce, 1 act, by Watts Phillips 3 2 

100 Aurora Floyd, drama, 2 act, by W. E. Suter 7 3 

89 Beautv of Lyons, dom drama, 3 acts, by W. T. Moncrieli'..ll 2 

8 Better Half, comedietta, 1 act, by T. J. Williams 

98 Black Statue, ethiopean farce, 1 act, by C. White 

] 13 Bill Detrick, melo drama, 3 acts, by A. Newton Field 6 4 

86 Black vs White, farce, 1 act, by Geo. S. Vautrot 4 2 

14 Brigands of Calabria, rom drama, 1 act, W. E. Suter ..6 

22 Captain Smith, farce, 1 act, bv E. Berrie 

84 Cheek will Win, farce, 1 act, by W. E. Suter 3 

49 Der two Surprises, dutch farce, 1 act, by M. A. D. Clifton ..1 1 

72 Deuce is in Him, farce, 1 act, by R. J. Raymond 5 1 

19 Did I Dream it? farce, 1 act, by J. P. Wooler 4 3 

42 Domestic Felicity, farce, 1 act, by Hattie L. Lambla I 1 

60 Driven to the Wall, play, 4 acts, by A. D. Ames 10 3 

27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend, ethiopean farce 2 

13 Give me my Wife, farce, 1 act, by W. E. Suter 3 3 

117 Hal Hazard, military drama, 4 acts, by Fred G. Andrews.. .8 3 

50 Hamlet, tragedy, 5 acts, by Shakespeare 15 3 

24 Handy Andy, ethiopean farce, 1 act 2 

06 Hans, the Dutch J. P., dutch farce, 1 act, bv F. L. Cutler. ..3 1 
116 Hash, farce, 1 act, by \V. Henri Wilkins..... 4 2 

52 Henry Granden, drama, 3 acts, by Frank L. Bingham 11 8 

17 Hints on Elocution and how t ■ 

103 How Sister P. got Child Baptized, etho far I 1 

76 How He Did It, comic drama, 1 :. hn Parry 

74 How to tame Mother-in-law, farce, 1 act, by II. J. Byron.. A 
35 How Stout You're Getting [.Morton.. 

26 Hunter of the Alp-', drama, I VVm. Din I 4 

47 In the Wroi y M. A. I I 

95 In the Wrong Cloth* 5 3 

77 Joe's Visit, etho farce, 1 act, ivitt & II. E. I 1 
11 John Smith, far. by W. Hancock 

Jumbo Jum, fa: 

Killing Time, t 1 l 

9 1 

3 1. Iwer '2 5 

]0t iy F. L. Cutler 6 2 

loo ; o 

pS' 1 on next page of cover, -jgg^ 



HASH! 

An Original Farce 

IN ONE ACT, 



— BY — 

W. HENRI WILKIN3, 

Author of Rock Allen the Orphan; Three Glasses a Day, or the Broken Home, 
Fun by the Bushel; Tie Reward of Crime; Mother's Fool; The Com- 
ing Man ; The Turn of the Tide, or Wrecked in Fort ; 
S. H. A. M. Pinafore; Etc. 



WITH A DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES, CAST OF THE CHARACTERS, 

RELATIVE POSITION OF PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, ENTRANCES 

AND EXITS, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 

A a performed at the principal American and English. Theatres. 



Correctly printed from the Original Manuscript of the Author. 



Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1880, by 

A.D.AMES, 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, 



CLYDE, OHIO.* 

A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 



/ 



HASH! ^ 






CHARACTERS REPRESENTED. 

Erastus Hemlock From Varmount. 

Hamilton Gower Laboring "Pro bono publico." 

Horatio Baker A Play Writer. 

Skip Colored Waiter 

Mrs. Matilda Vine ., Boarding House Keeper in New York. 

Nettie Vine Her Daughter. 



PERIOD— PRESENT. 



Time of Representation — Thirty minutes. 



COSTUMES. 

Erastus Hemlock — 'Long frock, tall white fur hat, thick "boots, cane and 
standing collar. 
Hamilton Gower — Foppish dress, with much jewelry, eye glass, etc. 
Horatio Baker — Plain dress, hair hanging in ringlets to his shoulders. 
Skip — Waiter's dress, with white apron on a portion of the time. 
Mrs. Vine — Plain dress, with hair in "French twist" at back. 
Nettie — Plain dress. 



HASH. 



SCENE.— Mrs. Vine's Boarding Home. Table l. c, Chairs K. u and 0., 
Lounge r. c. back. 

Enter Mrs. Vine r., with chopping tray and knife, seats herself at table and 
chops during the following. 

Mrs. Vine. I declare it's enough to try the patience of a saint ! I've 
tried my best to keep a respectable boarding house, but the fates seem to be 
against me. At first, business seemed flourishing, and money came in gen- 
erously, but lately there's seemed to be a change come over my boarders— 
what few I've got left — they all seem dissatisfied, and for what cause I can- 
not divine, at any rate they're leaving one by one. And what's more mys- 
terious about it, they'll give me no reason for doing so. If things keep on 
this way much longer, I shall have to close up the house and go back to the 
country. One thing I am determined upon, and that is to find out, if pos- 
sible what causes the dissatisfaction, {looking r.) Ah, here comes Baker, 
I'll see what I can find out by him 1 

Enter Baker, r. 

Baker. Busy as ever, Mrs. Vine, preparing for the wants of your house- 
hold, (aside) I should think that old hash tray would be worn through 
the bottom with her everlasting chop, chop. ~r^ 

Mrs V. Yes, Mr. Baker, women who keep boarding houses never find 
many spare moments. But with all my labor, and efforts to suit my cus- 
tomers, I meet with little reward. Only last week Mr. Jones vacated No 11 
and to day Mr. Cook has gone leaving No 7 vacant, and neither would give 
me any reason for doing so. Can you give me any light as to the cause Mr. 
Baker? If so speak freely, I'm sure I do my best to please you all. 

Baker. I'm sure Mrs. Vine, I've never given you any cause to complain. 
(aside) I could enlighten the old lady some but she'd scratch my eyes 
out if I told her the truth, (aloud) I believe I've paid my bill regularly 
every week, Mrs. Vine ? 

Mrs V. Oh, Mr. Baker, I've not a word of fault to find with you ! and 
for that very reason I have appealed to you to give me some information on 
this distressing subject. My boarders as you see are all leaving me, and I 
expect every day when you and Mr. Gower will be doing the same. 

Baker. I'm sure I hope not, Mrs. Vine, and I hope you will not enter- 
tain any such thoughts. If I have any fault to find I shall not be afraid to 
come to you with it. (aside) She'll hear from me before long too, on the 
subject unless something new turns up in the hash department, (aloud) I 
am going up to my room now, Mrs. Vine, when the postman calls, if there 
lire any letters for me please be so kind as to send them up to me. (exit h. 

Mrs V. I am just as much enlightened as I expected to be. It's plain to 
at>) that Mr. Baker evaded me, I am well satisfied that he knows more than 



/ 






HASH. 



he is willing to impart. But I have endeavored to fathom this mystery, 
and when once Matilda Vine undertakes a thing, she is not the woman to 
be turned from her course by any common obstacle. 

Enter Nettie, b. 

Mrs V. Well 1 

Nettie. Weill it's not well, but bad. What's come over everybody lately ? 

Mrs V. That's what I've determined to find out. But what's happened, 
more boarders leaving ? 

Net. Yes, Mr. Crabber in No. 12 has gone, and his things are all pack- 
ed, and the expressman is to call for them after dinner. 

Mrs V. Who told you so? 

Net. Mr. Baker told me so, and you know Mr. Baker's word is to be re- 
lied upon. 

Mrs V. Of course you think so. He just went from here, and he never 
so much as hinted at such a thing. Why didn't he tell me ? I'm sure he 
had ought to certainly, when I questioned him as to the cause of so much 
dissatisfaction. But I suppose I'm not in his confidence so much as some 
others in this house are. Horatio Baker's a deceitful man, so there now, 
and I believe he's at the bottom of the whole trouble. 

Net. Oh, mother, how can you say that? I'm sure Mr. Baker has nev- 
er given you any cause for such language. And if he knows what has 
caused the trouble I'm sure he's never mentioned it to me. He employs his 
time to better advantage than that. 

Mrs V. Well, perhaps he does and perhaps he don't, that's for us to find 
out. He keeps himself shut up in his room most of the time, and I for one 
am ignorant of what he busies himself about, though doubtless you know ? 

Net. To be sure I do, he's a dramatist — a play writer. I wish you could 
read his last farce, I'm sure you'd almost die laughing. 

Mrs V. Humbug ! Pretty business for a man to throw away his time 
upon. But come, dinner must be prepared for wbat there's left with us. (rises 

Net. What are you going to have for dinner to day, mother ? 

Mrs V. Hash, of course. All people like hash, and it's a great deal 
cheaper. You can work everything up clean you know, nothing goes to 
waste, and if any is left, it's just as good warmed over. Besides we've got 
to economise if things go on in this way much longer. (exit l. 

Net. I declare it's nothing but hash, hash, hash. I for one am heartily 
sick of it. (exit l. 

Enter Skip, r. 

Skip. Nebber did see no sich times. Every body leavin' like de small- 

Fox was in de house. Ole Crabber in No 12 has vamoosed, only last night 
hernd him tell Mr. Hamilton Gower dat he couldn't stan' it any longer, 
said he was hashed to def. By Golly, I tinks it begins to tell on dis chile, 
my stomach 'gins to feel like it is lined with buffalo skin, (knock r.) Who 
am dat? (goes to door) Dis way, sar, walk in sar. 

Enter Erastus Hemlock r., with a long frock and xohite hat on, cane. 

Erastus Hemlock. Wall I don't keer ef I do. Say, you feller is this a 
hash house, where they board wash and lodge fer three dollars an a 'af a 
week, coz ef 'tis I want to stop with ye a spell. 

Skip. Yaas sir, you's got it right de fust pop. Guess you's 'quainted wid 
dis institution? 

Eras. Waal now yer jokin', I never's in this town afore *n my life. But 
I had kinder of a hankerin' tu see the sights, so I thought I'd come down. 
Sister Saphroney said my clothes wan't good 'nuf, but I told her the folks 
in New York wan't any better than the folka up in Varmount, au' I warn't 
goin' tu pay fifteen dollars fer a bran new rig unless I needed it. 'Twant 



HASH. 5 

because I ain't able, but 'taint my way tu buy a thing'n less I need it. I 
guess I look as well's they'll average, don't I, hey? 

Skip. Oh yaas sir, dat's a beautiful robe you's got on, only I tinks it 
would look better if it was cut a little more gorin'. 

Eras. What time'll dinner be ready, I'm hungry enough to eat a raw 
dog? 

Skip. We always cooks our dogs here, sir. Bring you some right up 
here in a few minutes, sar. 

Eras. Waal I guess ye better. Sister Saphroney put me up some nut 
cakes but I stowed away the last one airley this mornin'. 

Skip. All right, sar, make yourself at home, (going l.) I'll have it ready 
in a few minutes, (aside) Dat mus' be a member of de rag, shag, an' bob- 
tails, an' he's forgot to take his Fourth of July rig off. (exit l. 

Eras, (sits on lounge) Waal now, this 'pears like a tip top place, I wish 
I knew where Matilda lived, I suppose she keeps a boardin' house down 
here some wheres. Matilda used to be kinder sweet on me arter her hus- 
band died, but I presume I might travel half a day and then not find her. 
I own I'd give a quarter to see the old duck, but then like's not she's got 
married again. I asked her once tu hev me, but she was left spring poor, 
and bein' rather proud spirited, she put me off an' cum down tu New York 
an' started a boardin' house. 1 kinder thought then eft hadn't been for 
my money she'd had me quicker'n you could say Jack Robinson. Most 
folks wouldn't called money any objection, but Matilda wanted tu bring her 
share into the family and 1 think the more on her for her independence. 

Enter Hamilton Gower, r., Erastus rises. 

Eras. How de du, squire? I'm goin' to board here a spell, I suppose 
you belong here, don't ye ? I alius like to git acquainted. 

Hamilton Gower. Yes sir, I'm a boarder here, sir. (aside) Some old 
granger from the country I'll be bound, he'll make a jolly addition to our 
bet. (aloud) From the country, sir ? 

Eras Waal yaas that's whar I hail from, up in Windsor county, Var- 
mount. Nice place up thar, squire. We have huskins', apple parin's, 
quiltin's, tin weddin's and scociables. 

Ham. Oh yes, I daresay. Vermont is a charming state, one of the most 
healthy and picturesque in our whole grand Union. And her people are 
among the mo6t intellectual and well informed of any in America, and 
that's saying a great deal, sir, America is a great territory Mr. — Mr. — 

Eras Hemlock, Erastus Hemlock. You du know a thing or two about 
Varmount, don't ye squire? I wouldn't hev give ye credit fer so much 
common sense, jist by lookin' at ye Mr. — 

Ham. Hamilton Gower, sir. But as I was saying Mr. Hemlock, you 
should feel highly honored to have been born in your native state. It's a 
privilege few can boast of. I am free to say Mr. Hemlock, that your state has 
often been held up to me as a state of great minds, whose mighty brains 
comprehend the whole scope of life, and who are so much at home upon 
the more obstruse questions of the day, as upon the more trifling ones rela- 
ting to our social situation in general. Mr. Hemlock, accept the spoken 
diploma of my most distinguished consideration. 

Eras, (aslonished) I say I'm alfired hungry. 

Ham. Oh, certainly. But on this financial question ? 

Eras. I didn't say anything. 

Ham. I beg pardon, but of course you have an opinion ? 

Eras. Oh, yes, squire. 

Ham. Which is 

Eras. My own. 

Ham. Of course. The opinion of every man is his own, but in our great 
and glorious country, where everything is — excuse my latin — Pro bono pub' 
lico, why, the opinion of great men, or leading men is of value to the com- 
monwealth. I am asked for mine every day. 



6 HASH. 

Eras. Gosh all firelock ! I hain't asked you for it, have I ? No, be- 
cause when I'm tu hum I'm among a set of folks who mind their own bu- 
siness, and know full as much as I du. I don't know nothin' about your 
"Bro pony republicans." 

Ham. Ah, certainly, but what are your ideas regarding the national 
banks? 

Eras. My idea is, that they're an alfired good thing, and I'd like to own 
three or four of 'em. 

Ham. Very true, Mr Hemlock, very true, and I wouldn't object to car- 
rying one myself. But looking at it as financiers and statesmen do, what 
have you to say regarding them ? 

Eras. Not a darned word, Mr. Gabbletongue Hower. 

Ham. But you certainly can express an opinion ? 

Eras. Of course I can. I tell you I'm half starved. 

Ham. Beg pardon again, Mr. Hemlock. No doubt you'll feel more like 
conversing on this interesting subject, when you have a full stomach. 

(exit l. 

Eras, (taking a long breath) W-h-e-w ! Must be he's just been eating 
quite hearty if that's the case. But why don't that nigger bring along my 
victuals. 

Enter Skip with tray which he places on table and arranges. 

Eras. Ah, you've got along, haint you. I'm half starved. 

Skip. Here's hash wid beet in it, an' dar's meat wid hash in it, an' dat's 
hash wid turnip, an' here's venison hash an' 

Eras. It strikes me that altogether it's a pretty hashy mess. But hum- ' 
soever I'll try and make it go me 'till dinner's ready. Look a here, how 
many kinds of this stuff does this mill grind out? 

Skip. All kinds sar. We has all de delicases ob de season. An we puts 
'em all into hash. It's so handy you see. (exit l. 

Eras, (eating) Well, if this don't beat all natur. I guess ye wouldn't 
catch Sister Saphroney settin' sich grub as this afore strangers. I spozed 
folks tu New York lived on better victuals 'n this. This is wus'n Aunt Je- 
rusha Pinchback eatin' johnney cake soaked in beef's lard. 

Enter Mr. Baker, L. 

Baker. Excuse mo, I did not know strangers were present. 

Eras. It's all right, squire. Do you live here ? 

Baker. Yes sir, I'm stopping here at present. But why do| you ask ? 

Eras. I thought I'd ask ye what they's goin' to hev fer dinner. 

Baker. I believe we are to have hash to day. 

Eras. By thunder I then I might as well pitch in now. How many 
times a day do they have hash here, Mr. 

Baker. Baker sir. Horatio Baker author of the Murdered Countryman. 

Eras. What in fury did they kill him with — hash ? 

Baker. Oh no sir, that's the name of a play of mine. A regular bloody 
one I can tell you. We only have hash three times a day, unless you eat 
between meah. Going to remain long with us sir ? 

Eras. I presume not long ef I've got to eat hash, I wonder if it's an easy 
death to die ? 

Baker. I mean are you going to board here, while in the city. You are 
from the country I take it. 

Eras. Now how in thunder did you find that out, I'd like to know. 

Baker. I j udged so from your appearance. 

Eras. Oh, I suppose you mean my clothes. Well I've got money 
enough tu buy more if I want em. 

Baker. No offense I assure you. When an opportunity presents pray 
call up to my room, and I'll read you the Murdered Countryman, (exit l. 






HASH. 



Eras. I swan to Moses, I wish I'se safe back tu hum. I've a good mind 
tu go out and try and hunt up Matilda. 

Enter Skip with a large box under his arm. 

Skip, (looking through cracks hi box) Keep still in dar, I'll soon fix yer. 
By Golly, aint dey fat ! 

Eras, (turning round) Say feller, what yer got thar'n that box? 

Skip. Young puppies sar, nice ones, sixon'em sar. I 'clar it seems mos' 
to bad to kill 'em, but I'se got to 'bey missus' orders. Dey '11 make lots ob 
hash, sar. 

Eras, (jumping up) Du you mean tu tell me they make hash out of such 
things? 

Skip. Sometimes sar. We've used up quite a number dat way lately. 
What's de matter, sar? 

Eras. Du you think I'm goin' tu live in such a place as this? You can 
tote them things right away I've been to dinner. But I spose I've got tu 
hev a place tu sleep but I'll get my fodder into some of the groceries. 
Where ye goin' to put me, I'm goin' out tu see the sights an I want tu pare 
my corn afore I go. Guess my butes are a leetle tu small. 

Skip, (aside) By Golly, I can hardly hole in, I'se so pleased, (aloud) 
I'll show you de way, right dis way sar. (exeunt h. 1 e. 

Enter Mrs. Vine l. 2 e. 

Mrs V. I don't know but I shall have to give it up. If it would do any 
good I'd cry — I wish I'd never come here, I've a mind to go back to the 
country. What a fool I was when 'Rastus Hemlock asked m e to marry him. 
I know he's a little odd, but he has got a kind heart and plenty of money, 
and then I wouldn't have been obliged to work like a slave from morning 
till night, and displeasing every one besides, but the milk is spilt — and I'm 
an old fool. (exit b. 

Enter Mr, Baker and Nettie l., he has his arm about her waist. 

Net. Oh Horatio, I'm bo flustered and it's so sudden you know. 

Baker. Never mind that- — (both sit on lounge)— and besides you could not 
iiave been blind to the fact that you have long been the idol of my heart's 
most tender emotions, the light of my life, and the sunflower of my future 
hopes and aspirations. Only say that my warm affection has found a rest- 
ing place in your breast, that your tender heart beats alone for your Hora- 
tio. 

Net. Oh Horatio, how could you have read my heart so plainly ? For 
weeks you have been the beacon light that guided me on, but I have hardly 
dared hope that you, an author, would condescend to think of a little body 
like me. But if you can, Horatio, I am yours, (rests her head on his shoulder 

Baker. What joy, what rapture, unforseen 

Net. Horatio dear, it's just like a play, isn't it? 

Baker. Yes my bird, there's but one thing more before the curtain falls. 

Net. Pray tell me what it is. 

Baker. This ! (kisses her 

Enter Erastus Hemlock l., at the same moment-^both jump up. 

Eras. Well I swan ! That's just the way they du it up in Varmount. 
Now when Aunt Jerusha Pilikin Horn had her quiltin' in the evenin' the 
boys an' gals played 

Baker. Never mind, Mr. Hemlock, I shall make no excuses. It's the 
way of the world, but I think I can trust you to not mention what you may 
have seen or heard ? 

Eras. Sartin. They all do it, I know how it is my self. I won't say a 
darned word tu nobody. 



a HASH. 

Baker. You're a trump Mr. Hemlock, (to Nettie) Come my dear, let's 
take a walk, (to Hemlock) Pray excuse us. (both exit a. 

Eras. Now I wouldn't mind bein' in that chap's place myself. It makes 
me think of the time when Matilda an' I used to go to Rome together at the 
apple parin's. 

Enter Hamilton Goiver l. 

Eras, (aside) Old wind mill's come again ! 

Hani. My dear sir, I omitted to ask your opinion in regard to the coming 
campaign up in Green Mountain State. 

Eras. No matter! What's your opinion uv this big iron bridge over 
yonder? 

Ham. Ah ! now then, we are coming nearer home. I am glad sir, that 
your great mind comprehends every thing far and near. Well my opin- 
ion of the Brooklin suspension bridge is that it will be a success. I have 
watched it from it's inception, and as stone rose upon stone, 1 have said to 
myself that success will surely attend it's completion. And while it has 
been building I have congratulated myself that I am an American, and 
lhat this wonderful achievement of engineering is the result of American 
brains. 

Eras. Oh you do, eh? Don't you think it'll be purty costly achieve- 
ment? 

Ham. Why my dear sir, I'm surprised to hear you ask such a question. 
You might with just as much propriety ask about the cost of our streets, our 
railroads, and whether they will pay or not. No sir, it is not a question of 
dividends. Pro bono publico, as I said before — and trust you will excuse my 
Latin. Yes sir, it is for the public good, and such a thing as the cost of it, 
should never be taken into consideration. I for one should be proud to pay 
my share of the tax that may result from it. Our childreu, and our chil- 
dren's children will see it just as we see it to day, and — 

Eras. Darn it, I hain't got no children 

Ham. And we, as Americans should be proud that 

Eras. Who said anything about bein' proud, (getting excited) If you 
don't hold on I'll run my list down your gas pipe and — 

Horn. Proud sir, that such a monument of wonderful ability 

Eras. Oh I wish I'se back with sister Saphroney 

Ham. Raised it's ponderous, but graceful proportions in our day and gen- 
eration. Why sir, I'm astonished 

Eras. You might as well try to stop a bullgine under full steam with a 
percussion cab. 

Ham. 1 should just as soon expect you to block the wheels of progress, 
and question the utility of the telegraph, the printing press, the telephony 
and * 

Eras, (yelling) Baby jumpers ! I wish somebody would tie up this crit- 
ter's'chin, then — 

Ham. You see sir, you're beaten on your own argument. 

Eras. Why confound it I havn't had anything to do with the argument. 
You've had it all your own way and 

Ham. Of course I have sir, showing most conclusively that you had no 
ground to stand upon. And sir, yours is the fate of every one who has at- 
tempted to argue upon false ground. Why sir, the spirit of the age is one 
vast cycle of progress. Look at our railroads and steamboats — our rapid 
transmitters of body and thought. Look at 

Eras, (yells) Thunder | 

Ham. Look at our • 

Eras, (yells) Fool 1 

Ham. Look at our unprecedented mining operations : our ships that 
plough the waters and carry our productions to the grateful nations of tko 
whole earth. 

Eras, (yelling) Bah — bah — bah 



HASH. 9 

Ham. I'm in a hurry sir, but most any time, I shall be pleased to argue 
with you upon any of the absorbing topics of the day. {exit hastily r. 

Eras, {taking a long breath) Gracious ! it seems as if somebody had 
stopped a loom. He must be a member of a chin gang. 

Enter Mrs. Vine b., with her apron to her eyes crying. 

Mrs V. Oh dear, I've learned the whole, to think I should have been so 
blinded — Nettie had the whole story from Mr. Baker, and oh dear, I'm so 
mortified. (sobs) 

Eras. Well by Jerusalem ! This is wus'n 'tother one. (advances) My 
dear female — 

Mrs V. In my — (.906) — unnatural haste for riches— (so&) — I've displeas- 
ed and driven away — {sob) — my only means of support, {sob) I wish I'd 
never come here, (wipes her eyes and looks up, sees Erastus) Why it's 'Ras- 
tus for all the world. How glad I am to see you. {shakes hands) Then you 
are the new boarder? 

Eras. Well I vum ! Matilda, this beats all nature. I'd no idee this was 
your house. What yer crying for 'Tilda? Tell me all about it. 

Mrs V. Oh, 'Rastus, I must have been out of my senses. My greed for 
money got the better of my judgment, and my boarders have nearly all left 
because we lived so cheap. But 'Rastus I see my mistake and I'm asham- 
ed of it. • 

Eras. Kept 'em on hash didn't ye 'Tilda? That's what the nigger 
brought me, and he said you made it out'n young puppies, but I don't be- 
lieve it, now I know it's you that live here. i 

Mrs V. It's one of that boy's tricks, the scamp. But I never will do so' 
again if I can manage to get my house filled once more, I never'll put a 
spoonful of hash on the table. J 

Eras. 'Tilda I heerd ye say ye wished ye's back in Varmount. Come, ' 
shut up the house and go with me and fill the place I asked you tu fill once 
before. I 

Mrs V. Oh 'Rastus ! ] 

Eras. Come 'Tilda, I'm sure you've had enough of boarding house keep- 
in?, and sister Saphroney and I are alfired lonesome. What du yer say 
'Tilda ? 

Mrs V. Oh 'Rastus, you're too good and — and — I rather think I will. 

Eras. That's right, 'Tilda, I've got a nice place there you know, right 
lose to the Acadery — so handy to schule, the children you know — 

Mrs V. Why 'Rastus ! I 

Eras. It's best to calculate fer all there things you know. The G. M. P. 
A's. a gude skule, but the grangers — blast 'em — are tryin' ter monopolize 
it. I call it now the "Granger Monopolist's Private Abode." But 'Tilda, 
where's yer darter ? 

Enter Baker, Nettie and Skip, r. 

Mrs V. Here she is, 'Rastus this is Nettie, Nettie this— 

Skip, {interrupts) Mr. — Mr. Gosh all Hemlock — dinner's ready sar, 
hash all on de table. 

Mrs V. Then throw it into the street and we'll all dine at the nearest 
hotel. Nettie my dear child, we're going home to keep house for 'Rastus. 

Net. Perhaps you are mother, but I'm going to stay with Mr. Baker. 

Baker. Yes, Mrs. Vine, your daughter has promised to share with me, 
the joys and sorrows of my life. 

Skip. Well I nebber did see sich times 1 

Eras. Well squire, I 'bout cum tu that conclusion a little while ago. 

Net. (puts her hand over his mouth) Ah, Mr. Hemlock I 

Eras, I won't say a word, gal, not a word. 

Skip, (looking l.) Here comes Mr. Growly tongue Hammer. 



10 HA.SH. 

Eras. He's like a spool of thread— warranted two huudred yards, but I 
hope he won't begin unwindin'. 

Enter Hamilton Oower l. 

Ham. Ah, pardon me, quite a little gathering. Now I hold that we owe 
ourselves and society in general — 

Eras, Hold on, let rue get in a word once in a while, Mr. How you do 
Gower. {to Baker) I am about to say Mr. Baker, that Mrs, Vine and my- 
self are about to follow the example you've sot. 

ML Oh Mother 1 

Mrs V. Why Nettie I 

Skip. By golly, dis chile's out ob a job. 

Eras. No Skip, I guess I kea find sum'hin* fer yer tu du. But you'd 
better not try any of tnem jokes of yours, we shan't need 'em. 

Skip. Den you'se gowin' to change de bill ob fare. Well den I don't 
keer ef I do go along wid you. 

Eras. 'Tilda we'll start for Varmount to-morrow and when we git set- 
tled quietly down beside the "Granger Monopolist's Mysterious Abide", 
with a cluster of young Hemlocks about the door, we shall (to audience) 
be glad to welcome any of our frieuds, and sister Saphroney, 'Tilda and I 
will set out the best the house affords, and if we've nothing else you'll al- 
ways find plenty of HASH. 

SKIP. NKTTIB, BAKRR. MATILDA.. ERASTU3. HAMILTON. 

CURTAIN. 



AMES' PLA\ S,-COjS t TI]SUED. 



NO. 

46 
91 
36 
83 
34 
69 
1 
23 
32 
90 
61 
37 
44 
81 
33 

109 
85 
8:3 
53 
57 
29 

114 
18 
51 

110 
45 
96 
59 
48 

107 

115 
55 
94 
25 
79 
92 
10 
62 
64 
40 
38 
87 

101 
67 
97 
93 

112 

71 

16 

68 

6 

102 
54 



M. P. 

Man and Wife, drama, 5 acts, by II. A. Web' er 12 7 

Michael Erie, drama, 2 acts, by Egerton Wilks ^..8 3 

Miller of Derwent Water, drama, 3 acts, by E. Fitzball 5 2 

Mischievous Nigger, ethiopean farce, 1 act, by C. White.. .4 2 

Mistletoe Bough, melo-drama, 2 acts, by C. Somerset 7 3 

Mother's Fool, farce, J act, bv W. Henri Wilkins 6 1 

Mr. & Mrs. Pringle, farce, 1 act, by Don T. De Treuba Cosio..7 2 

My Heart's in the Highlands, farce, 1 act, 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, comedietta, 1 act, by Walter Gordon... 1 4 

No Cure No Pay, ethiopean farce, 1 act, by G. W. II. Griffin. .3 1 

Not as Deaf as He Seems, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 2 

Not so Bad After All, comedy, 3 acts, by Wybert Reeve 6 5 

Obedience, comedietta, 1 act, by Hattie L. Lambla 1 2 

Old Phil's Birthday, drama, 2 acts, by J. P. Wooler 5 2 

On the Sly, farce, 1 act, by John Madison Morton 3 2 

Other People's Children, etho farce, 1 act, by A. N. Field 3 2 

Outcast's Wife, drama, 3 acts, by Colin II. Hnziewood 12 3 

Out on the World, drama, 3 acts, 5 4 

Out in the Streets, temp drama, 3 acts, by S. N.Cook 6 4 

Paddy Miles' Boy, irish farce, 1 act, by James Pilgrim 5 2 

Painter of Ghent, play, 1 act, by Douglass Jerrold 5 2 

Passions, comedy, 4 acts, by F. Marmaduke Dey 8 4 

Poacher's Doom, domestic drama, 3 acts, by A. D. Ames 8 3 

Rescued, temperance drama, 2 acts, by O. II. Gilbert 5 3 

Reverses, domestic drama, 5 acts, by A. Newton Field 12 6 

Rock Allen the Orphan, drama, 1 act, by W. Henri Wilkins. .5 3 

Rooms to Let without Board, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 2 1 

Saved, temperance sketch, 1 act, by Edwin Tardy 2 3 

Schnaps, dutch farce, 1 act, by M. A. D. Cliffton 1 1 

School, ethiopean farce, 1 act/by A. Newton Field 5 

S. H. A. M. Pinafore, burl'sq, 1 act, by W. Henri Wilkins. ..5 3 

Somebody's Nobody, farce, 1 act, by 0. A. Maltby 3 2 

Sixteen Thousand Years Ago, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 3 

Sport with a Sportsman, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 2. 

Spy of Atlanta, military allegory, 6 acts, by A. D. Ames... 14 3 

Stage Struck Darkey, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 2 1 

Stocks Up, Stocks Down, ethiopean farce, 1 act, 2 

Ten Nights in a Bar Room, temperance drama, 5 acts, 7 3 

That Boy Sam, etho farce, 1 act, by F. L. Cutler 3 1 

That Mysterious Bundle, farce, 1 act, by H. L. Lambla 2 2 

The Bewitched Closet, sketch, 1 act, by H. L. Lambla 5 2 

The Biter Bit, comedy, 2 acts, by Barham Livius 5 2 

The Coming Man, farce, 1 act, by W. Henri Wilkins 3 1 

The False Friend, drama, 2 act, by Geo. S. Vautrot 6 1 

The Fatal Blow, melo-drama, 2 acts, by Edward Fitzball. ..7 1 

The Gentleman in Black, drama, 2 act, W. II. Murry 9 4 

The New Magdalen, drama, pro 3 acts, by A. Newton Field. ..8 3 

The Reward of Crime, drama, 2 acts, by W. Henri Wilkins..5 3 

The Serf, tragedy, 5 acts, by R. Talbot 6 3 

The Sham Professor, farce, 1 act, by F. L. Cutler 4 

The Studio, ethiopean farce, 1 act,... 3 

Turn of the Tide, temp drama, 3 acts, by W. Henri Wilkins. ..7 4 

The Two T. J's, farce, 1 act, by Martin Beecher 4 2 

Catalogue continued on last page of cover. ~^. 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



A. D. AMES, PUBLISH 



017 401 651 3 

OUR BUSINESS- WH&T WE DO. 

PLATS. We sell everything in the line of dramas and farces, and 
tho attention of our numerous patrons to our own lift. We think it 
braces play which will suit either professional or amateur cotnp 
however yor. need something, published elsewhere, do not hesilHte 
us your orders? — our stock is very large, a»d we fill promptly.- . 
every publisher on hand. 

LETTERS OF INQUIRY answered promptly, and we solicit correct 
ence. If the business upon which you write concerns you alone, end 
3 cent stamp for reply. Amateurg who are puzzled upon any 
relative to the stage will be answered explicitly, and to the best of our abil- 
itv. 

'MANUSCRIPT PLAYS. Parties who have Ms?, to dispose of sh 
•write to us. We will publish whatever may be meritorious, on terms which 
will be satisfactory. 

SHEET MUSIC. Orders for sheet music, or music books will be re- 
ceived and filled as promptly as possible. 

CATALOGUES will be sent free to any address. Send a postal card, 
with your address, and the catalogue will be sent by the next mail. 

HOW TO ORDER. It would perhaps seem to every one that any di- 
rection as to 'how to order' plays was entirely superfluous ; but not so. 
We have many instances, and remember to have been severely censured by 
parties, some cf whom failed to sign their name to their order, or failed to 
write the state, etc. In the first place, begin your order with the name o! 
your post office, county and state. If you order from our list, it is not 
essary to designate, only by giving the name of the plsy ; but if from 
lists of other publishers, state the publishers name, if you know it. Do 
not write your letters of inquiry on the same sheet with your orders, and 
make the order always as brief as possible. When completed do not fail to 
sign your name very plainly.. Attention to these rules will insure the filling 
of your orders, by return mail. Postage stamps of the denomination of 1, 
2 and 3 cents, will be taken in any amount less than $3.00. 

PLAYS TO SUIT COMPANIES. Amateur companies frequently have 
trouble in procuring Plays well adapted to their wants, frequently ordering 
perhaps five dollar's worth in single copies, before anything suitable 
be found. All this can be done away with. Our catalogue embraces p 
suitable for any and all companies, andif our friends will write to us, si 
ing the requirements ot their companies, there need be no trouble, in 
line at least, if a temperance society wants plays, we have something 
them. If a company wants something which is very funny, we can 
them. In fact, we have dramas, farces, tragedies and comedies which 
Buit you. Enclose 15 cents per copy, for as many copies as you may i 
and we guarantee to suit you, if you will state the size of your c 
jmd wheth r best adopted to the serious or funny. Give us a trial at I' 

MA GNESIUM TABLEA U LIGHTS. There is scarcely a pei 
has not been annoyed by the smoking of colorea fires, which are so 

ableaux, and whole scenes in dramas have teen ruined l\ 
coughing and noise always attendant on their use. We earnestly r« 
mend the use of the Magnesium lights. They can be ignited with aeon 
match, ftj-d burn with wonderful brilliancy. There is no danger in I 
tbey make no smoke and are cheap. Price, 25 cents each, by mail, 
paid. Tnose who dc not know Low to burn them, will be ins.ructeo 
addressing the publisher. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




Hollinger Corp. 
P H8.5 



